Frustrated...

So... feeling a little frustrated on this Sunday afternoon....

I just feel overwhelmed and I feel like there is never a break for the mom.  I did sleep in a little bit yesterday, but why is it that my 'me' time always ends up just being resting or sleeping so that I can function for the rest of the week?

I can't remember the last time I had time to just do something for myself.  Wander the mall.  Get a pedicure.  Even my last hair cut appointment (which is normally 'me' time) ended up with me having the kids there and helping them do their homework while the Drew (my wonderful and amazing hairdresser) was trying to work around them.  I'm even cancelling time with my friends either because I need to work or because I feel guilty because I've been at work and I should be at home.

I feel like I work.  And then I cook and clean.  And I keep the house ready to be shown.  And I sleep.  And maybe I watch some TV (mostly because I am too tired to do much of anything else). 

And then I repeat the above.

And I am grumpy.  (And then I grump at my kids and at my husband and at the whole world, which just adds to the joy of the whole situation)

So right now, I am going to cook some meals for the week.  And I am going to finish the work that I need to get done before tomorrow.  And then I might try to finish putting the laundry away and do a few other chores around the house (the guinea pig cage is waiting rather impatiently for me).  And then, just like usual, another weekend will have gone by where I have had not one minute to do anything that I really wanted to do.

I am trying to Embrace this part of my life, but I just feel like there isn't anything left of me to embrace anyone or anything.

I thought maybe writing this down would make it better, but.... not really.

Good night all.
C

Observation

Here's my observation of the day...

I don't think I'm meant to blog every day. 

Despite a challenge, despite my desires, despite my vows. 

It basically comes down to this horrible truth.  I'm just not this interesting.  My life is not this interesting.  I do have interesting MOMENTS... but not on a daily basis.

I go to work, I work hard, I parent, I cook meals, I help with homework, I read a little, I go to bed.  And then it starts all over again.  Sometimes this results in highly interesting and funny anecdotes.  Sometimes. 

Usually it results in one tired momma.  :)  And I'm tired of writing about being tired.

So, until I'm something OTHER than tired, I think I'm surrendering on the whole 'write every day' thing.  And EMBRACING the 'write when you have something interesting to say' thing.

Goodnight everybody.  Talk to you soon.  NOT tomorrow.  (unless something interesting happens).
C

Dropping the Ball...

So much for my desire to blog EVERYDAY in the month of January.  So much for my goal and my determination to get back into this blogging thing with both feet, to write even when I don't feel like writing, to just EMBRACE the blog.

Here's what I'll say... it is extremely difficult to EMBRACE anything (let alone a blog where you want to write and post in a thoughtful way) when you are working 60 hours per week.  It then becomes even more difficult to EMBRACE blogging when you are on a family vacation (with 15 members of your husband's extended family) and there is no wi-fi in the rental house (I mean WTF?!?  What century are we in?  NO WI-FI?).

So... since I am currently sitting in a McDonalds and trying to finish quickly to return to said family vacation... I am letting you know that I did not die or drop off the face of the planet.  I am simply stuck between a week of work that could only been classified as hell and a family vacation that could be made much more pleasant if the darn house had wi-fi.

I'll catch you all on the flip side.
Hope all is well.
C

Embracing Me... Again...

Several posts ago, I alluded to the fact that I was going to get back on track with my food and exercise...

About five years ago I decided that it was time for a change. The babies weren't babies anymore.  I just just quit the most stressful job I had ever had (being an elementary school principal) and my husband and I had just recommitted to each other and to our marriage.  I was in a good place.  And I decided that I wanted ME back.   I joined Weight Watchers, started exercising regularly, and I started taking care of myself emotionally.  The result?  I lost about 40 pounds.

This is what I looked like at the beginning of that journey. (Note the defensive posture and the look of horror that the Mr. was actually taking a photo of ME!)

This is what I looked like once I'd lost the weight... (and yes, the Mr. and I had a great time on this trip to Vegas...)

Since I lost the weight, I have stayed pretty stable.  I've gone up or down a few pounds, but I've pretty much stayed at the same weight.  (Well, except for the 6 weeks that I was sick following our Puerto Vallerta trip... I got REALLY skinny then... and the winter following the Mr's surgery and my hysterectomy I got really NOT skinny.)  I kept my weight stable by watching what I ate (at least most of the time) and by running.

About a year ago, I started having problems with my back.  And the doctor said NO MORE RUNNING.  And after I got done crying about that... I decided it was probably worth it if it meant that my back would stop hurting (what I didn't realize was that it would take about 42 other things as well to make my back stop hurting, but that's another story...). 

Since then it's been a LOT harder to keep my weight in balance.  I have a trainer (and he's awesome) but I can't get there more than once a week (due to the other things that I have to do like be a mom, work full time and yes, write on this darling blog).  The Mr. was awesome and replaced my treadmill with an elliptical machine (but no matter how much I use it, it's just not the SAME as running) . I think running used to really give me a 'high' and I haven't found another cardio exercise that makes me feel the same.

Anyway, something that I recently realized is that I was 'this close' to giving up.  To just being a little heavier.  To just being at peace without having a lower percentage of body fat.  To just be a little more comfortable and wouldn't it be easier if I didn't watch what I ate and didn't have to exercise....

I felt that way for about two weeks.  And then everytime that I got dressed, everytime that I looked at myself in the mirror, I started feeling bad.  I started not liking myself very much.  I started dreading taking a shower.  And that's when I decided it was time to STOP and get back on track.

So today... I put a Weight Watcher's meeting on my calendar.  And I printed out the times that I can see my trainer and I put it my my computer so as I develop my schedule for each week I can make sure to fit in at LEAST one visit with the trainer (and wouldn't two be awesome?)  And I cleaned off the scale (Mr. had been doing a 'fix-it' project in the bathroom and had put his tools on it).  I got out my body fat/ BMI machine (yes, I have a little machine that I use to monitor this).  And finally, I watched my points.  I passed up the candy jar at work.  I drank a glass of skim milk.

Because I really do love who I am.  And I have redefined who I am to be someone who does exercise, who does eat right (most of the time) and who does EMBRACE me. 

Happy Monday everyone!
C



Embracing EXHAUSTION

So, between not sleeping well last night because Little Man and the Mr. were not at home (and I never sleep well when one of my chicks is not in the nest, let alone two of my chicks AND one of them was having a medical test on top of that), AND because we all went back to work and school today after having more than two weeks off (two glorious weeks of spending time as a family and not thinking one iota about work- kinda regretted that today as I looked at my schedule for the next few weeks and realized just how much work I have to do... Sigh...). Needless to say I am totally exhausted tonight. Too tired to embrace anything other than my pillow. (much to the disappointment of the Mr.)

Night all. See you tomorrow (when I am hoping that my brain will be significantly less fuzzy than it has been all day today- I actually caught myself just staring blankly at my computer today-like I had forgotten how to use it!)

Have a great one...
C

In Search of Sleep....

Little Man (child #2, who is now 9 years old and not SO little anymore) has never slept through the night (yep, go back, re-read the sentence above, yes, he is NINE years old). I know, you think I am exaggerating, but seriously, this kid has NEVER slept through the night...

Little Man was breastfed (this momma was pretty dedicated to that, with both Girly-girl and Little Man) and this meant that of course, during those first few months of life, he didn't sleep through the night. This was pretty par for the course and matched our experience with Girly Girl so we didn't get too worried. Then I went back to work part time... and he (and Girly Girl of course) hung out with The Nana and The Papa (my parents)while I was at work. He was good with the bottle, even got some formula during this time (my job as an assistant principal was not what I would refer to as schedule or pump friendly), but he PREFERRED momma. And so, when I would come home from work he would latch on... and stay there until I went back to work the next day. I AM NOT joking. During this time, I chalked his wakeful nights up to his desire to be attached to me, and I rolled with it. He also slept in my bed (yes, I was one of THOSE moms.. but hey, every person has a breaking point and sleep deprivation is mine...).

I weaned Little Man at about eighteen months because of this lack of sleeping and his absolute DEMAND to nurse- whenever and where ever he wanted to- and if this demand was met with a no, or a maybe later, he would scream, kick, cry, and tantrum. It was SO pleasant for everyone around us. So, one day, after being at a friend's house and having him throw one of these all out ear-splitting, floor-shaking tantrums, I came home and told Mr. that I was done. I nursed Little Man that night, and then we never nursed again. And guess what. He didn't seem to care a bit (yep, that was one of those moments in motherhood where I figured out that THEY were now in charge and I needed to just surrender).

Once he was done nursing, we moved him into his own bed- hoping that this would help him sleep. We anticipated the normal and typical 'getting a kid to sleep in their own bed and sleep through the night' issues, but we had NO idea what the next few years would be like. At this time he shared a room with Girly Girl. Each night, we would tuck him in bed and he would go right to sleep. (Really, really. Sleep issues with this kid have NEVER been about FALLING asleep.) And he would sleep for a few hours and then he would move from his bed into his sister's bed and sleep there for awhile (until she had enough and kicked him out- did I mention that he kicks, flips, flops and snores?). Then he would move into our room and climb into our bed. This went on for awhile until he decided that his preferred position in our bed was to sleep sideways with his head resting on me and his feet resting on his dad. Needless to say, we decided that our bed would be 'off limits'. He was allowed to sleep on the floor next to my side of the bed, but he was not allowed to sleep in our bed. He continued to climb in bed with his sister, and she was fairly tolerant of that, and when she wasn't, he'd just sleep next to me.

Fast forward to age 8. He finally gave up sleeping on the floor next to our bed (around age 5) but he continued to climb into bed with Girly Girl (who at this time is 10). He will start every night in his own bed, in his own room (and yes, we have done all the 'make his room awesome' stuff- I have bought this kid more sheets and different pillows all in the search of the ones that 'feel right' than you can even imagine). But he's still bed hopping and still up at least once in the night, every night.

In addition, the snoring has now reached, shall we say, epic proportions. Like rock the house proportions. You can hear the kid snoring in practically every room of the house. He also got harder and harder to wake up on school days (not on the weekend though because you see on the weekend there is this magical thing called TELEVISION, that isn't allowed during the week. I'm surprised he doesn't set an alarm to get up earlier on the weekend!) All of this added up to a decision by the momma... a visit to the pediatrician.

The pediatrician agreed that having a 9 year old (he had his birthday while we were waiting for the appointment) that does not sleep through the night may not be the most normal thing (yeah, no shit Sherlock) and decided that he wanted to try some inhaled steroids and get a x-ray of Little Man's nose. So, I started shooting steroids up my son's nose on a nightly basis, and we got the x-ray. X-ray showed nothing. No blockage. No issues at all. (of course not, cause this is our family, why would it be the EASY thing?) Pediatrician now recommended a 'sleep study'. This did not rock Little Man's world in the least (thank goodness it was NOT Girly Girl that needed to do this as there would have been TOTAL meltdown today over not knowing every detail of what would happen). His only question was, "Can I sleep naked there?" (Um, no.)

That brings us to tonight. When Mr. and Little Man are about 20 minutes away at a sleep study center and Little Man is being hooked up to all kinds of monitoring equipment and will be heading to bed in just a little while. (and it's killing me to not be there, but I have neck and back issues and so it was an easy choice about which parent should spend the night sleeping on a cot at the sleep study place).

I am praying that there is NOTHING wrong with my Little Man, and yet at the same time I am praying that we figure out why the kid has never had a good night's sleep in his life. I know he is heading into the growth spurt years (if Girly Girl is any indication, Little Man will shortly begin eating everything that isn't tied down and will grow about 5 inches in the next two years) and I know for his body to do that he needs sleep. And lots of it.

So... cross your fingers for us that they find something VERY minor that is easily correctable and that Little Man will be EMBRACING sleep during 2012. (and think good thoughts for the Mr. who is stranded all night at the sleep study place with no TV and no X-Box and nothing to do...)

That's all for tonight... have a good one.
C

UPDATE:
Here's a photo of Little Man all wired up and ready to go... could you sleep with all of that attached to you? Sigh...

EMBRACE 2012!

I have read a lot of blogs recently (seemed like my cure for not blogging was to read other folks blogs... which just made me miss blogging even more... kinda defeated the purpose I think...) Anyway, I have read a lot of New Year's Resolutions, a lot of posts about 'I am going to have a better body, a better mind, a better life'. And yes, I think that I'd love to have a better body (more posts about this to come, I promise) and I am always trying to improve my mind (I might have to stop watching the Real Housewives shows-yes, I watch ALL of them- if I actually want that to happen), and I think we all desire a better life- one that is more than what we have... isn't that the human condition?

However, I think that I am going to opt out of the specific resolution making this year. I have made New Year's Resolutions in the past- it isn't that I'm anti-resolution, it's just that I do have short attention span (note the need to improve my mind) and I tend to not hold onto those resolutions for very long (either it's the mind thing or I am incredibly weak willed... you be the judge )

I am, however, going to follow the 'Word of the Year' trend and select a word that I am going to try to live and follow in the year 2012. See to me, this isn't about CHANGING necessarily or STOPPING of doing something (which most NY resolutions actually boil down to... the stopping of a negative habit) but rather the openness to trying to live life in a new way, a new way of seeing things, a new way to...

EMBRACE

That's my word. To EMBRACE- life, love, friendship, work, whatever comes my way during the next 366 days (yes, it IS leap year my friends...).

To EMBRACE me- the true me, the person who I am deep down inside that I don't always let out for fear of judgement or ridicule or even for fear of rocking the boat with my family or friends. Thus, my return to blogging even though I told my former readers that I was stopping (I am still not sure if this is wise or TOTALLY stupid and only time will tell. I showed my dear husband, we will refer to him as Mr. from here on out on this little blog... and he just shook his head. I don't think he thinks this is a good idea, but I don't think he has the heart to tell me not to do it, because he knows it means a lot to me).

I started 2012 by embracing me... in Target (because if you knew me, you would know that I have experienced most of life's epiphanies in an aisle in Target, like the day I told my mom that the Mr. and I had stopped using birth control prior to the birth of Little Dude- child #2. But I digress....). I embraced me... wait for it... in the contact paper aisle. Because you see, there are still rather odd folks like myself that line the shelves in their pantry with contact paper (we are a RARE breed). My pantry has needed new contact paper for like a year now, and I decided that the time had come to actually undertake this task (and clean out my pantry goods... I actually found something that expired in 2008!). As I stood in Target I examined the 4 choices of contact paper. Plain white. Tan with speckles. Plaid tan. And black and white bold patterned craziness. In the past, I would have chose the tan with speckles. It's a neutral. No one would notice it when they were in my pantry (cause there are normally SO MANY folks in my pantry). It would just blend in and be 'appropriate'. So, because it is 2012. Because I am EMBRACING. Because I am being me... I now have AWESOME black and white patterned contact paper for my pantry shelves. Because, you see, 2012 is about EMBRACING... me. :)

I now have the entire contents of my pantry strewn about my kitchen as I wait for the Mr. to help me with said contact paper (I may be the person who thinks that we NEED contact paper in the pantry, I may be the person who picked out the crazy black and white contact paper, but I am NOT the person to measure and install said contact paper because I'm embracing fun, not totally crazy with all the seams crooked and contact paper running up the wall) so I should close up and actually be productive.

Hope your first day of 2012 is going well and that you are EMBRACING you!
C